


Where Do I Go From Here?

by I_Stood_in_Neither



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Abuse Aftermath, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Internal Conflict, Physical Abuse, post watermelon island
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-09-24 05:31:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9705437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Stood_in_Neither/pseuds/I_Stood_in_Neither
Summary: Yet Jasper could feel her still, in the way the water was constantly dragging across her skin, she could feel her lips brush against her neck even as the ghost of her hands slipped around it.Jasper lays on the beach in the aftermath of the battle of Mask Island and thinks about Lapis.





	1. I Can Still Feel You Here With Me

**Author's Note:**

> Wow this was a spur of the moment decision to do. I was listening to My House by PVRIS and was inspired by this, but originally wanted to do Lapis. I may still do her but it'll be at a different time to keep in canon. Anywho, there's a Tw for light descriptions of emotional and physical abuse that Jasper may have gone through while fused with Lapis. Not into that? Totally chill, just don't read. Constructive criticism is my best friend. 
> 
> This was proofread by my partner and I so there are more likely mistakes that I'll update and fix later.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper's POV

Jasper let the water lap against her lower body as she laid on the sand of the island. The way the ocean would retreat then rush forward and caress her legs and hips was hypnotizing. She’d been lying like this since pulling herself out of the crack in the earth she’d fallen into somehow. Her enemies were gone, taking Lapis with them. It was over. They would surely shatter her; it’s what Jasper would have done if she were in the rebel’s place. Jasper’s hands shook and her placebo heart raced, losing Lapis would be… what would it be? It should just be a tactical loss; she was supposed to be a means to an end. She was a traitor to Homeworld, she withheld information from Peridot that led to the downfall of their mission and yet… she was beautiful, filled with something Jasper recognized in herself; rage, hatred, disgust for this miserable planet. Lapis had made sure she knew that, had carved it into her skin each moment they were intertwined that this was Jasper’s fault they were like this, that they would be like this until the cluster emerged and then would die like this.

Yet Jasper could feel her still, in the way the water was constantly dragging across her skin, she could feel her lips brush against her neck even as the ghost of her hands slipped around it. She still bore the bruises and cuts from their time together, she refused to let them heal yet. She needed proof— she needed to be able to see what had transpired was real, that her time in the fusion was real, and just as ugly as it was beautiful. She _knew_ Lapis only touched her gently so she wouldn’t be prepared for the next onslaught, the next slash, the next time her chains would tighten and she would lose more of herself as Lapis carved out everything that she was and who she used to be.

 _Stop fighting our fate, Jasper_ , she’d whisper. _No one is coming for us. I made sure of that_.

But she continued to fight, continued to fight for control, because to give up was to lose and to lose was death. And then Lapis gave up. Jasper’s chains melted away and they fought against the rebels as one. Until they didn’t and Jasper ended up in a hole with no idea how she got there. 

Jasper knew she shouldn’t ache for Lapis’ touch again, to be part of her again, but how could she not when everything reminded her of the blue gem’s feather-light kisses and her storm cloud eyes. Lapis was her mirror, another tragedy of a war that never should have been. 

The sea water lapped over a slash on her hand and Jasper hissed. It’d been three days since she’d moved and her body was still bleeding out, her blood melding with the sea. Jasper stared at her hand, watching it heal as she willed her body to regenerate and close up the wounds she’d been dealt. 

When it was done, she stood and stretched. She would find Lapis and save her, then ask her to fuse again. It would be different this time, she would be better; she wouldn’t fight her like she had before. They would be one finally and she could finally wipe the Crystal Gems off the face of the earth once and for all.


	2. Monster I Have Become

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look at Lapis post Malachite, pre Alone at Sea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sequel no one asked for. This was written in a series of 3 am short bursts when I was tired so I'm sorry if there are typos! (feel free to point them out).
> 
> This gets kinda dark and very stockholm syndrome-y.

Lapis stared at Peridot, tried to process what she just said. The words didn’t feel right, they were hollow and empty, the emotion barely a flicker. Did she not understand? Did Peridot not understand what love meant to her? The last time Lapis had someone tell her they loved her, gold eyes had met hers, tears and blood mixing together. Jasper’s voice had been cracked and broken, chained before her, kneeling as her bonds held her arms to the point where she was almost bowing down to Lapis.

* * *

_“Please, Lapis, I love you,” she said, her voice cracking from emotion and pain. Her words lacked the usual venom of curses she spewed at Lapis, now all that was left was a tiredness that spoke of a deep-seated sorrow within Jasper’s bones._

_Lapis told herself that it was a trick, that Jasper was just playing with her, trying to soften her up in order to finally gain control of Malachite and wreak havoc on the planet they were trapped on. And would that be so bad? To give up control and just let go until Jasper had destroyed this miserable planet enough that there wouldn’t be much left for the cluster to terminate? For a moment, she let the chains around Jasper’s wrists slack, enough that the brute of a gem should have noticed. Instead of starting the fight a new like Lapis was waiting for, Jasper just laughed. It was a hollow, raspy sound that seemed to echo within the chamber they had occupied since forming Malachite all that time ago. Before she could demand to know why Jasper was laughing, the quartz grabbed her chains and yanked Lapis to her. Lapis fell to her knees and got ready to drown the soldier again, but Jasper once again surprised her by cupping her face in an embrace that had it been a part of any other situation, one might think it was that of two lovers about to fall into bed with one another. But this was Jasper, Lapis reminded herself, this was the gem she’d been torturing for months on end. Before she could jerk away from her, Jasper crushed her lips to Lapis’, desperate and needy, begging for her to respond. Lapis gave in for a moment, let Jasper have what she (they?) wanted, before forcing herself away from the large gem. Jasper_ whimpered _at the loss of contact, had there been any other noise where they were, Lapis wouldn’t have heard it. She watched the once proud warrior’s eyes widen in horror at the realization that they both heard that ridiculous noise before bowing her head in shame._

_“Just drown me, Lapis,” Jasper croaked out. Everything about her screamed defeat. There was no resistance as Lapis watched Jasper go under the murky, water-like surface of consciousness. Lapis felt a tiredness that ached within her bones. For the first time in months, she let the tears slip down her cheeks. What had she become?_

* * *

Lapis shook herself and reminded herself of where she was. She looked at Peridot and remembered what she’d done to Jasper. She refused to harm someone again like that, it was better to play along than accidentally hurt the small, green gem. So, she smiled back at Peridot and hugged her close. 

"I love you, too, Peri.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will this continue? Who knows! I'm terrible at leaving things well enough alone, but jesus this is dark. I'm really tempted to write up to Jasper's corruption, going between their POV's. I'm hella interested in exploring Jasper's psyche. Anywho I hope you enjoy!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love.
> 
> I may write one from Lapis' point of view for a little bit before Alone at Sea to delve into her psyche. We will see.


End file.
